Pokebattles Flare Version, Battles 11-15: Minor Shenanigans

 FLARE VERSION

Quite some time ago, I became enamored with a Pokemon parody known as Pokebattles (www.pokebattles.com) by Jason Ross. Much like others, I decided to write a few of my own, which turned into my own "Version", Flare Version. While a lot of it was amateurish due to my young age, I've decided to re-write it (and thereby improving the quality) and post it here on my blog for others to enjoy.

After Battle #11, the Flare Version universe settles down again and things can get back on track, with various characters getting spotlight for their Shenanigans. Rikks returns to his quest on collecting the Kanto badges, Chris continues his quest to uh, become a maniac, and Da Zombie Man forms an interesting relationship with everyone's favorite all-power booming voice in the sky.

Narrator text
Player text
God Text

Battle #11, Broken Alliance
Location: North Vermillion City
Player: Rikks the Hell Knight [5-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: UNDEADGATES, X-BOX, CHARCOAL [dead])

So uh, is this battle ever going to start?
Ally REECE sent out LUCARIO!
Ally JARJARBINKS sent out GUNGAN!
VIKKS sent out SPEAROW!
CHRIS sent out FRENCHWHORE!
DAZOMBIEMAN sent out DAZOMBIEMAN!
Thats better. I suppose I'll use my X-box..!
Go, UNDEADGATES!
HAH! I tricked you! I wanted to use Gates the whole time!
...
NARRATOR doesn't like being TRICKED!
Well too bad. You've been going to far with that joke, anyway.
NARRATOR swears REVENGE!
We'll see.
Enemy DAZOMBIEMAN used TRICK!
UNDEADGATES was TRICKED into SKIPPING ITS TURN!
Doh!
Ally GUNGAN used GUNGA BOMB!
But the BOMB exploded in its HAND!
Ally GUNGAN fainted!
Okay okay! I'm sorry Narrator, sheesh.
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS SHOULD BE!
Ally JARJARBINKS sent out JARJARBINKS.
Okay Reece! You have to make your attack count!
Ally LUCARIO used FLARE POWERS!
Uh oh... that move had some pretty devastating effects last time.
FLARE VERSION's TIME CONTINUUM is SPINNING out of CONTROL!
Someone got a little Caps lock heavy there. Huh, narrator?
Ally LUCARO fainted!
UNDEADGATES fainted!
Ally JARJARBINKS fainted!
Enemy SPEAROW fainted!
Enemy FRENCHWHORE fainted!
LUCARIO's attack missed Enemy DAZOMBIEMAN!
WOW! What an attack! Even though it did seem to hurt us more than them...
JARJARBINKS blasted off!
Eh... he was probably more of a liability anyway.
Go, X-BOX!
Wonder of my X-box holds any resentment from before...
X-BOX is loafing around!
Hey...!
X-BOX used X-STRIKE!
OwwW!!! THAT HURTS, DON'T ATTACK ME!!!
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS blasted off!
Return, X-BOX!

Location: Vermillion City

Oh well... at least I made it to Vermillion City. And at least I was able to return X-box just in time. I would hate to have yet another recurring enemy.

Location: North of Vermillion City
Player: Reece Benlier [2-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: LUCARIO)

CHRIS sent out BLUEYESWHITEDRAGON!
VIKKS sent out SQUIRTLE!
You're outnumbered 3 to 1! Do it, REECE!
Damn! Outnumbered! I will have to defeat you thugs myself!
DAZOMBIEMAN used LAUGH!
DAZOMBIEMAN is LAUGHING at you!
Infidel!   
DAZOMBIEMAN is strongly IMPLYING that he wants to EAT YOUR BRAINS!
Well not today! I still have... connections...
DAZOMBIEMAN wants to know if your CONNETIONS have BRAINS too!
Well I suppose. But you can't nom on his Brain. He's currently... immortal!
DAZOMBIEMAN wants to KNOW what an IMMORTAL BRAIN tastes like!
Well maybe you can find out!
REECE used WEBMASTER POWER!
REECE SUMMONED the WEBMASTER, KILLERNACHO!
Haha, see?
WEBMASTER KILLERNACHO says you BETTER have a GOOD REASON for SUMMONING it!
Of course I do. I need you to destroy these infidels!
WEBMASTER KILLERNACHO thinks that is a LOUSY REASON!
FURTHERMORE, WEBMASTER KILLERNACHO would rather not WRITE battles with SIX PLAYERS in it EVER AGAIN!
WEBMASTER used END!
BATTLE ENDED!
EVERYONE LOSES!
Damn it!
DAZOMBIEMAN: Damnz it!!
CHRIS: Damn it!
VIKKS: Damn it!   
ANTI-CLIMATIC DEUCE-EX MACHINA FTW!

Battle #12, Super Bad
Location: Vermillion City
Player: Chris [2-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRENCHWHORE, BLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON, DARKMAGICIAN [dead])

Why did my new allies abandon me?
Did I really deserve this??
ABSOLUTELY!
And to make matters worse, now my record has dropped to a mere 2-2! This is unacceptable!
THATS what you GET for being a MANIAC!
But I was strong with my allies Vikks and Da Zombie Man! Why did you have to curse me??
NARRATOR reminds CHRIS that it was TECHNICALLY the WEBMASTER who ended THAT BATTLE, not it!
Then I'll have to kill the Webmaster! And right all wrongs!
NARRATOR thinks that YOU are EVIL!
Mwahahaha! I strive for Evilness!
YOU must DIE!
Yeah right. I'm too evil to die.
KAIBA appeared!
Aah, another Yu Gi Oh! character. But I believe we've met before...
KAIBA wants to KNOW if you're the CHRIS who STOLE his BLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON!
The one and only. 
But you can never be sure. There seems to be an infinite number of people named Chris.
KAIBA wants to fight!
Your funeral.
KAIBA sent out HITOTSU-ME-GIANT!
Hah! A weak monster! My mom can handle this.
Go, FRENCHWHORE!
NARRATOR wants to KNOW if FRENCHWHORE is really your MOTHER!
But of course! Capturing my pitiful mother within a Pokeball was my first act of evilness!
CHRIS's evil greatly rose!
Why, thank you! Now, mother, use your Mirror Break attack!
FRENCHWHORE used MIRROR BREAK!
FRENCHWHORE broke nearby MIRROR!
FRENCHWHORE now has SEVEN YEARS of BAD LUCK!
Mwaaahahahahaha! I wonder if that stacks with the previous times I've used that attack?
PROBABLY!
Excellent...
Enemy HITOTSU-ME-GIANT used POUND!
Ah! But my mom lives. Now to unleash my master plan! Use your Luck Change attack!
This ought to change your Bad luck to Good!
FRENCHWHORE used LUCK CHANGE!
But it failed!
Ugh, but why??
SHE does have BAD LUCK!
WHAT do you EXPECT?
Fair point. Then again, I am evil.
NARRATOR likes EVIL!
See? We don't have to be enemies. We could be great friends.
INSTEAD of CHANGING LUCK, FRENCHWHORE instead SHIFTS BAD LUCK to Enemy HITOTSU-ME-GIANT!
That's the spirit. 
Enemy HITOTSU-ME-GIANT was hit in the HEAD by RANDOM FALLING ANVIL.
Wonder what that Anvil was doing in the Sky like that.

Location: The sky
Player: Random Pilot [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: JET)

Hey... would you please stop throwing random anvils out of the Jet? What if they hit someone?
CO-PILOT wants to KNOW what the CHANCE is that it will ACTUALLY HIT someone!
Well, you're probably right. Pretty slim.

Location: Vermillion City
Player: Chris [2-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRENCHWHORE, BLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON, DARKMAGICIAN [dead])

Enemy HITOTSU-ME-GIANT fainted!
KAIBA sent out JUDGEMAN!
Judges... my mortal enemy. I'll handle this one... myself!
Return, FRENCHWHORE!
Get'm, CHRIS!
Enemy JUDGEMAN used JUDGE!
Enemy JUDGEMAN JUDGED you to be EVIL!
Tell me something I don't already know. Now let me show you just how evil I am...
CHRIS used ... OH GOD!
It is your job to narrate it.
CHRIS used an ... ATTACK ... that is ... FAR too SICK and EVIL to NARRATE!
Close enough.
Enemy JUDGEMAN died!
HAH! I win. Now give me half your money, rich boy!
Got 50,000,000 YEN for winning! 
Even better than the Blue Eyes White Dragon I stole from you. 
BATTLE used END!

Battle #13, A.I.
Location: Vermillion Gym
Player: Robotor the Robot [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: ROBOT, MAGNEMITE)

Bzztt>>> HAHAHAHA>>> GYM CHALLENGERS ARE APPROACHING>
ROBOTOR used MENACING LAUGH!
Its super effective!
GYM CHALLENGERS is scared!
IS? Bzztt>>DOES NOT COMPUTE.
GYM CHALLENGERS is a SINGLE PERSON!
OH> Bzzt> I TAKE IT GYM CHALLENGERS WANTS TO Bzztt>>> CHALLENGE ME?
GYM CHALLENGERS says NO!
GYM CHALLENGERS says it was CONJURED to EXISTENCE to make up for NARRATION MISTAKE!
Bzzt. I SEE. SO WHERE ARE THE REAL CHALLENGERS?
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS should be here at ANY MOMENT!
HAHAHA>>> Bzzt> HE WILL SURELY LOSE TO THE GREAT ROBOTOR>
NARRATOR used ROLL!
NARRATOR's EYES are ROLLING!
HMM YOU DONT SEE A Bzzt>>> BOOMING VOICE's EYES ROLL EVERY DAY>>>
NARRATOR finds your CONSTANT USE of the CAPS LOCK to be ANNOYING!
ACTUALLY MY DEAR NARRATOR>>> Bzztt>> IT WAS A TRAGIC INCIDENT INVOLVING BUBBLE GUM AND THE SHIFT KEY>>> CANNOT BE HELPED>
NARRATOR thinks he saw the SAME THING in RED VERSION.
NARRATOR thinks YOU are a LAME STOLEN CHARACTER.
BLAME THE WEBMASTER'S LACK OF >>> Bzztt>>> CREATIVITY FOR THAT ONE>>
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS appeared!
FINNALY> SO I GUESS YOU WANT TO FIGHT>>?
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS wants to fight!
SO PREDICTIBLE> BZZTTTT
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS sent out UNDEADGATES!
I AM PREPARED FOR ANYTHING>
ROBOTOR used BLUFF!
Its not very effective...
LIES> I DO NOT BUFF> I AM A MACHINE AND THUS>> Bzztt>>> INCAPABLE.
ROBOTOR will FORFEIT the MATCH if he doesn't SEND OUT a POKeMON!
UGH FINE YOU PUNY NARRATION UNIT> GO ROBOT>
Go! ROBOT!
USE YOUR SELF DESTRUCT>
ROBOT used SELF DESTRUCT.
Its a critical hit!
HAH> EAT THAT>
Enemy UNDEADGATES is unaffected!
WHAT? HOW IS THAT POSSIBzztLE?
UNDEADGATES is part GHOST-type!
ROBOTOR obviously did not READ BATTLE #4!
YES> NO ONE READS THESE>
THATS your OWN FAULT!
ROBOT died! Use next Pokemon?
HAH> IT WAS NOT EVEN >> Bzzt>> ALIVE TO BEGIN WITH.
I WILL USE MAGNEMITE>
Get'm, MAGNEMITE!
USE YOUR ELECTRIC ATTACK>
MAGNEMITE has A LOT of ELECTRIC-type ATTACKS!
ROBOTOR missed his TURN!
WHAT??!! OH DARN>
Enemy UNDEADGATES used R.I.P.!
STUPID PUN DETECTED>>> INCOMING!
Enemy UNDEADGATES RIPPED in PIECES!
Enemy UNDEADGATES fainted!
AT LEAST >>> STUPID PUN WAS IN MY FAVOR>
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS sent out X-BOX!
X-BOX wants to LOAF AROUND!
THIS CAN BENEFIT ME!
But it failed!
X-BOX is too LOW LEVEL!
DARN< NO MATTER THOUGH> Bzzt> 
Enemy X-BOX used CONTROLLER THROW!
ALOT OF GOOD Bzzt>> THAT WILL DO.
MAGNEMITE fainted!
ROBOTOR loses!
WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE>
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS used DEMAND!
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS demands his ARTIFICIAL BADGE!
FINE< TAKE IT> Bzzt>>
HELLKNIGHTRIKKS got the ARTIFICIAL BADGE!
NARRATOR will be GLAD to get rid of ROBOTOR!
BATTLE used END!

Battle #14, The Tough Love of Parenting
Location: Celadon City
Player: Da Zombie Man [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

BRAINS!!
DAZOMBIEMAN needs BRAINS, badly!
GIANT SHOPPING CENTER appeared!
VLAAAA!! PERHAPS ... PERHAPS ... PERHAPS there will be BRAINS BEING SOLD!
DAZOMBIEMAN walked in!
DAZOMBIEMAN sees THOUSANDS OF ITEMS!
Uhrrnnn... ANYONE SELLING.. BRAINNNSSS??
DAZOMBIEMAN sees no BRAINS on SALE!
VWAA?? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
But there are DOZENS of PEOPLE!
GRAAHH!! BUT I NEED BRAINS!
BADLY!
WHAA ARE YOU IMPLYING?
...
MAYBE THERE ARE BRAIN SHOPSS ELSEWHERE...
MAYBE NOT!
GRAAH!
DAZOMBIEMAN walked outside!
Can't find BRAIN SHOP!
GRAAH??? NOO!!
DAZOMBIEMAN found the GAME CORNER!
OOOH ... MAYBE I CAN WIN A BRAINNNS??
NARRATOR thinks that is the STUPIDEST thing its ever HEARD!
VLAA? WELL I DONT SEE YOU HELPING.
NARRATOR doesn't THINK you are OLD ENOUGH to GAMBLE!
VLAA? IM AN EVIL UNDEAD ZOMBIE... WHO CARES!
NARRATOR reminds DAZOMBIEMAN that he is only A FEW WEEKS OLD.
NARRATOR CONJURED up YOUR EXISTENCE just a FEW BATTLES AGO. 
DOES THAT... MAKE YOU MY PARENT?
NARRATOR used THINK!
NARRATOR is THINKING about it!
Vlaaa? And?
NARRATOR has DECIDED that YOU are RIGHT!
DAZOMBIEMAN was renamed DAZOMBIEMAN NARRATOR.
OH GREAT.
NARRATOR's FIRST ACT as ADOPTIVE PARENT is to FORBID DAZOMBIEMAN access to the GAME CORNER!
VLAA? BUT DAD!
NARRATOR would prefer being called 'DADDIO'!
OK... DADDIO! I NEEED BRAINS!
NARRATOR says NO WAY can ANY GOOD come from GAMBLING!
VLAA? WHATEVER DAD..
...
ERR... DIO. I WILL TAKE MY CHANCES!
NARRATOR threatens to TAKE AWAY your GAMEBOY if you enter the GAME CORNER!
VLA? WHY would an EVIL ZOMBIE HAVE A GAMEBOY TO BEGIN WITH?
SCREW IT, IM GOING IN.
NARRATOR threatens to KILL YOU if you enter the GAME CORNER.
HUH? IM ALREADY DEAD.
EITHER WAY, THAT IS TERRIBLE PARENTING! IN I GO!
DAZOMBIEMAN entered the GAME CORNER!
DAZOMBIEMAN is SUFFERING from a HEART ATTACK!
WHAT? BUT.. MY HEART DOESNT BEAT ANYWAY. IM A ZOMBIE.
NARRATOR cares NOT for your IGNORANCE!
Enemy HEART's attack continues!
ACKK! PUHLEASE, MERCY!
MERCY is ONCE AGAIN not in NARRATOR's DICTIONARY!
Enemy HEART's attack continues!
NOT EVEN FOR YOUR OWN SON?? VLAAA!!! 
WHAT KIND OF LOUSY PARENT ARE YOU!
NARRATOR says it will use STOP if you LEAVE the GAME CORNER!
FINE... TERRIBLE PARENT.
DAZOMBIEMAN used LEAVE!
DAZOMBIEMAN left the GAME CORNER!
PHEWW.. NOW MAKE IT STOP!
IT used STOP!
Good...
But it failed!
VWHAAT?
Enemy HEART's attack continues!
UGH... NOOOO!
NARRATOR says you SHOULD have LISTENED to him to BEGIN WITH!
UGH... PLEASE... Mercy...
NARRATOR has ALREADY EXPLAINED that MERCY is not in its DICTIONARY!
NOT EVEN FOR.. YOUR OWN SON??
It's super effective!
VHAT? 
ME BEING YOUR SON?
It's super effective!
NARRATOR fainted!
UGH... HELLO?
...
VHAWKE UP... 
I DONT KNOW IF IM DEAD OR UNDEAD.
...
UGH...
NARRATOR woke up!
YES PLEASE...
DAZOMBIEMAN died!
UGHHH!!!!
But it doesn't affect DAZOMBIEMAN!
OH RIGHT. IM A ZOMBIE ANYWAY.
YOUD THINK ID HAVE REALIZED SOONER THAT DYING would have NO EFFET!
IF ONLY you had a BRAIN!
OH RIGHT... BRAINS...!!
BATTLE used END! 

Battle #15, Danny's End
Location: East of Vermillion City
Player: Schoolboy Danny [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: RATTATA)

DANNY is OBSESSED ... with POKeMON!
OH? And what does that mean?
ITS all that you THINK ABOUT!
Huh?
DANNY is PRETTY STUPID!
Hey! No I'm not!
THEN, WHAT IS the SQUARE ROOT of FOUR?
Uh, Eight?
NARRATOR rests its CASE!
CASE is fully rested!
Ugh! But we never learned any Mathematics in Schoolboy school.
All we ever learned about was Pokemon types and status effects...
NARRATOR wants to KNOW what kind of UNIVERSE has CRAPPY SCHOOLING like THAT!
Yours, apparently.
NARRATOR used FACEPALM!
Thats strange... why did it get dark all of a sudden?
No matter, this is a perfect opportunity to start my Pokemon Adventure!
JARJARBINKS appeared!
Woah, is that a Pokemon? Kinda looks like a fish-man.
JARJARBINKS wants to fight!
Aha! I think I read about this in school. After I weaken it a bit, I have to catch it, right?
JARJARBINKS says (Actually, I'm a trainer.)!
HAHA, no way. 
You are clearly not human. If you were, the Narrator wouldn't need to use a translator like that. 
Go, Rattata!
Go, RATTATA!
JARJARBINKS sent out GUNGAN!
Ah, so the Pokemon has friends...
JARJARBINKS says (that is because I'm a trainer)!
You lie, Pokemon! Don't worry, you'll be caught soon enough!
I could use a Water-type on my team!
Enemy GUNGAN used COWER!
Enemy GUNGAN cowered in FEAR!
Enemy GUNGAN fainted!
See? Even your fellow Pokemon is cowering in fear!
Things are off to a good start already!
Wild LUGIA appeared!
Wow! The legendary Lugia!
Wild LUGIA joined JARJARBINKS!
WHAT? No! He's just a Pokemon!
LUGIA reminds DANNY that its ALSO a POKeMON!
Err.. good point.
JARJARBINKS sent out LUGIA!
Erm... okay, Rattata. We've been in worse situations before...
RATTATA has already FAINTED due to its FRIGHT!
What? Dang it!
The enemy is a legendary Pokemon! Get'm, DANNY!
Gulp...
Enemy LUGIA used AEROBLAST!
AAAAAHHHH!!!
DANNY fainted!
JARJARBINKS used the POKeBALL!
What?
JARJARBINKS caught you!
Push A rapidly to FREE yourself!
Huh? The A button? Where the heck is that?
A BUTTON is located next to B BUTTON on the GAMEBOY!
BUT.. BUT... I DON'T HAVE A GAMEBOY!
You were caught!
Noooooooooooo! Waaaaaaah!!!
JARJARBINKS renamed DANNY to CRYBABY!
Sob... how humiliating.
Caught by a Pokemon, then renamed... I want to go home.
BATTLE used END!   

FLARE VERSION Player Database

Rikks the Hell Knight [6-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: UNDEADGATES, X-BOX, CHARCOAL [dead])

Vikks [1-4]
(Pokemon Lineup: SQUIRTLE, SPEAROW)

Chris [3-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRENCHWHORE, BLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON, DARKMAGICIAN [dead])

Yugi Moto [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GAIAKNIGHT, SUMMONEDSKULL, KURIBOH)

Jr. Trainer [0-1, dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: SANDSHREW [dead])

Rikks' Mom [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: CUTIEPIE)

Brock's Dad [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GEOCITIES)

Reece Benlier [2-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: LUCARIO]

Jar Jar Binks [2-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GUNGAN, CRYBABY, LUGIA)

James [0-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: KOFFING)

Jessie [0-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: SNAKE)

Meowth [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Da Zombie Man Narrator [0-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Seto Kaiba [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: HITOTSU-ME-GIANT, JUDGEMAN [dead])

Random Pilot [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: JET)

Robotor the Robot [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: MAGNEMITE, ROBOT [dead])

Schoolboy Danny [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: RATATTA)