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Welcome to the blog of The Killer Nacho, known to most mortals as Timothy J. Sharpe, a Computer Science graduate of Messiah College and currently a Systems Analyst for Sunoco Logistics. Within this tome of pages, one will find my innermost thoughts about various things concerning things that I enjoy. These subjects include, but are not limited to, roleplaying, gaming, American Football (the NFL), things to do with computers, philosophy, movies that are awesome, TV shows that are awesome, my own writings and creative works, and dangerous Mexican snacks.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Pokebattles Flare Version, Battles 86 - 90: Rampage of Professor Doom


 FLARE VERSION

Quite some time ago, I became enamored with a Pokemon parody known as Pokebattles (www.pokebattles.com) by Jason Ross. Much like others, I decided to write a few of my own, which turned into my own "Version", Flare Version. While a lot of it was amateurish due to my young age, I've decided to re-write it (and thereby improving the quality) and post it here on my blog for others to enjoy. You can get to the complete Flare Version archive here.

This set of battles isn't yet finished, but so far, it seems Professor Doom is going on a rampage, killing minor characters left and right...

Narrator text
Player text
God text

Battle #86, Pointless Interlude Amidst the Doom
Location: Sinnoh News HQ
Player: Jar Jar Binks [3-4-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GHOST)

Itsa beensa solongsa sins JarJarsa be in battle, Okeyday!
NARRATOR kicked the TRANSLATOR!
Andsa allthistimesa you failsa to respectsa JarJar!
Mesa JarJar Binksa okeeday?
NARRATOR really WISHES that this DAMNED THING would WORK!
NARRATOR used WISH!
Wellsadidsait?
It's not very effective...
NARRATOR has a NEW IDEA!
Whatsa?
GIANT DOOMBOT appeared!
Oooosa! Big gooba fish...!!!
GIANT DOOMBOT used DEATH RAY!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah...sa! 
JARJARBINKS died an AWFUL, PAINFUL, AGONIZING DEATH!
How wude!

Location: Jubilife City
Player: Yami James [4-6]
(Pokemon Lineup: WEEZING)

Eeep! Oh god!
NARRATOR wants to KNOW what has YAMI JAMES' PANTIES in a BUNCH!
Hey! My panties are NOT in a bunch, thank you very much!
But to answer your question, minor neglected characters have been dying left and right! And I could be next!
NARRATOR wants to KNOW why YAMI JAMES thinks THAT!
Well let's see... for one, my rival cult master just allied himself with the most destructive character in existence... Also, you're here, which means something bad is about to happen...
NARRATOR sees your POINT!
That's not very... reassuring.
NARRATOR tries not to be REASSURING!
NARRATOR deals in COLD HARD FACTS!
Right.
DATA appeared!
Hmm... your skin and eyes look a bit... funny...
ARE YOU A DEMON?
DATA: No, I am an android.
One of those new cellular phones? I had no idea they created ones so large!
DATA: Erm... no, I am afraid not. I'm an automaton... like a robot. 
Ah, I see.
DATA: Now, if you will excuse me, I must find my friends.
Hey, wait!
DATA: What?
Let me come with you! I don't feel safe here all alone!
DATA: I really must insist I go alone.
Well then... uh... I challenge you to a battle!
DATA: That is not wise. My last opponent... well, died. Horribly.
Gulp... well... I can't let that get me down! And when I win, you must join my cult!
DATA: You are persistent, I will give you that. Fine, let us 'do battle'.
DATA wants to fight!
Okay James... this is your first step to regaining all the power you had before... now... which Pokemon to use...
YAMI JAMES only has ONE POKeMON!
Erm... oh, right. Go Weezing.
Go, WEEZING!
DATA sent out SPOT!
Hmm... a Shinx, huh? Neither of us have an advantage it seems...
Well, open with a Sludge Bomb, Weezing!
WEEZING used SLUDGE BOMB!
WEEZING threw a BOMB into nearby SLUDGE!
Damn it, Weezing! How does Weezing throw anything, anyway? He doesn't have hands!
Enemy SPOT used CHARGE!
Enemy SPOT is storing power!
This looks bad... Grr... Weezing, use uh... Sludge throw!
WEEZING used SLUDGE THROW!
WEEZING threw SLUDGE at SPOT!
SLUDGE exploded!
Ah ha! Sucecss!
NARRATOR is SHOCKED that YAMI JAMES actually did something SMART!
Well there is more shock where that came, Narrator!
Enemy SPOT used SHOCK!
Oh uh... indeed.
Enemy SPOT's attack continues!
What, why?
YAMI JAMES did say "There was more SHOCK were that came FROM!"
That pun was ... really really out there, narrator.
Regardless, I almost have this in the bag! Weezing, finish it off with uh... anything!
WEEZING used EXPLOSION!
That er... works, doesn't it?
Enemy SPOT fainted!
WEEZING fainted!
Hah-ha! I won!
DATA: Actually, you lost. According to the rules of Pokemon, the user of Explosion loses in this situation.
Wait, what? Really?
NARRATOR said it is ACTUALLY a TIE in FLARE VERSION!
A tie?! A TIE?? UGH!
HOW INSULTING!
DATA: I will be going, now.
DATA ran away!
Ugh... great... so this entire battle was wasted! Nothing happened at all!
I wish something exciting would happen!
GIANT DOOMBOT appeared!
Erm... I really have to be more careful what I wish for.
NARRATOR agrees!
GIANT DOOMBOT used DEATH RAY!
YAMI JAMES died!
Yeah yeah... Like there is anyone who didn't see that one coming...
BATTLE used END!

Battle #87, Superpowers Collide
Location: Canalave City Shore
Player: Sal [4-8]
(Pokemon Lineup: EMPEROR SLAKING, RAICHU [dead], DITTO [dead], ONIX [dead], TORCHIC [dead])

Cough... cough... What happened?
Last thing... last thing I remember was flying to May's castle with Supermon...
THAT was a LONG TIME ago!
Huh? What?? BATTLE 87?!
THAT WAS ALMOST 15 BATTLES AGO!
TIME sure FLIES when having FUN!
What the hell happened? I just remember seeing a massive explosion then whiting out...
HOENN was destroyed!
Wha... wha...... WHAT!!!
SAL is now on the SINNOH REGION!
How... how did this happen?!
HOENN was destroyed during the BATTLE between MAY and PROF. DOOM!
Professor Doom?!
PROF. DOOM is a new VILLAIN in FLARE VERSION!
PROF. DOOM easily defeated MAY and is now wrecking HAVOC on SINNOH!
Then it appears I'm too late... My homeland is gone... I've failed.
I don't deserve to be called Captain Hoenn...
SAL removed REDICULOUS COSTUME!
This is your fault, you know! The world is coming to an end, and its YOUR FAULT!
NARRATOR doesn't MIND! 
You're just... insane!
THANK YOU!
The only purpose I have left in life is to protect what is left... I will confront this Professor Doom! Where's Supermon?!
SUPERMON is LYING next to you!
Supermon! Wake up, Supermon!
SUPERMON: What, mommy?! Just five more minutes...
YOU'VE BEEN UNCONCIOUS FOR NEARLY 15 BATTLES, YOU NITWIT!
SUPERMON woke up!
SUPERMON: Holy Arceus! 15 battles?!
That's right. Hoenn has been destroyed. And now, a new villain threatens the land!
SUPERMON: Another new villain? Lame...
Yes... pretty much.
GIANT DOOMBOT appeared!
Speak of the devil...!
SAL used SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!
DEVIL was SPOKE of!
I'm sure that makes him feel... very special.
SATAN VIKKS: Oh, it does!
Uh... what?
SATAN VIKKS: As Satan, I can speak to those who speak to me first!
Uh... you sound awfully a lot like Vikks...
SATAN VIKKS: Oh, I am! But I see you need my new special powers to overcome the Messiah's army...
The messiah being...?
SATAN VIKKS: Rikks of course! He's also dead.
Oh... okay...
SATAN VIKKS: Professor Doom has allied himself with the Rikksoloneon Cult! I cannot have this... It seems our goals are one in the same!
I suppose...
GIANT DOOMBOT and SUPERMON want to KNOW who you are TALKING to!
Satan, of course.
GIANT DOOMBOT is intrigued!
GIANT DOOMBOT says he will give you 5 MINUTES before KILLING you so that you can TALK to SATAN!
Wonderful. So Vikks, how exactly can you help me?
SATAN VIKKS: I can possess one being with pure evil power... it would cause them to become much more powerful!
So... you want to possess me?
SATAN VIKKS: Hell no! You'd still be far too weak to stand up to Professor Doom!
Erm... thanks. So what did you have in mind?
SATAN VIKKS: There is exactly one being in Flare Version whose power could match that of Professor Doom in his Giant Doombot form...
Wait... you mean...?
SATAN VIKKS: Precisely! Your Emperor Slaking!
But ... but... Slaking is my last Pokemon! If anything were to happen to it...
SATAN VIKKS: Would Satan steer you wrong?!
Erm... yes...?
SATAN VIKKS: Shut up and send out the Slaking.
Fine, whatever.
Go! EMPEROR SLAKING!
SATAN VIKKS: Excellent! Now to work my demonic power...
SATAN VIKKS used POSSESS!
Oh, great.
EMPEROR SLAKING: What is going on with ME???!!!
SLAKING? WHATS WRONG??
What? EMPEROR SLAKING is evolving!
REALLY? Vikks is actually making it stronger?!
EMPEROR SLAKING evolved into WARLORD SLAKING!
Mother of God... It's even larger... and looks... much more evil.
WARLORD SLAKING: YES!! THIS POWER IS FANTASTIC!!!
Pull yourself together, Slaking! You have an enemy to defeat!
WARLORD SLAKING: Foolish mortal! You cannot control me!
Erm... what? But I have like... every badge from every region!
WARLORD SLAKING: I have far exceeded Level 100, now... Mwahahahaahaah!
Oh great... we created another villain...
This is the last time I trust the devil.
WARLORD SLAKING: Unfortunately... I do have a contract I must fulfill though... For now, we will be allies!
At least there's that.
GIANT DOOMBOT said 5 MINUTES is UP!
GIANT DOOMBOT opens its EYES and GASPS!
His eyes were closed?
GIANT DOOMBOT didn't NEED THEM!
Sure...
GIANT DOOMBOT wants to fight!
Ally SUPERMON wants to fight!
Let's see just how powerful Slaking is now...
WARLORD SLAKING was already OUT!
Ally SUPERMON sent out SUPERMON!
GIANT DOOMBOT sent out GIANT DOOMBOT!
Slaking! Use Devil Punch!
WARLORD SLAKING is loafing around!
Of course...
WARLORD SLAKING used DEATH BEAM!
Mother of god...!
GIANT DOOMBOT caught the DEATH BEAM!
And its... not dead?!
GIANT DOOMBOT is struggling!
GIANT DOOMBOT is trying to REDIRECT the DEATH BEAM!
I see the two powers at work here are far stronger than either of us, Supermon...
SUPERMON agrees!
Maybe we should... get out of here?
SUPERMON agrees again!
SUPERMON used FLY!
Erm... I have no way to fly!
GIANT DOOMBOT used REDIRECT!
GIANT DOOMBOT redirected the DEATH BEAM into SUPERMON!
SUPERMON died!
No, Supermon!
...
Wait a minute, why do I care about him? He was about to leave me anyway.
WARLORD SLAKING: Still... not... strong enough...!
Seriously?
WARLORD SLAKING: We must retreat.
WARLORD SLAKING used TELEPORT!

Location: Goldenrod City

Huh... I guess this was the last time I bothered to use a Pokemon Center... But how can we return to Sinnoh?!
WARLORD SLAKING: Sinnoh is doomed. I need your help to train.
You need... my help?
WARLORD SLAKING: Unfortanutely.... The fastest way to get stronger is... Grind. Isn't that your specialty?
I suppose...
WARLORD SLAKING: Then lets get started.
BATTLE used END!     

Battle #88, Twitch Plays Pokebattles
Location: Victory Road
Player: Red [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: BIRD JESUS)

Go left!
No, go right!
No, we need to consult the Helix Foxil! Kappa
The voices... THE VOICES!
RED appears TROUBLED!
Who was that? ANOTHER VOICE?
What is this red text?
Hail, LORD RED TEXT!
Guys, we need to consult the Helix Fossil regarding the mysterious text!
NARRATOR is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Helix fossil? Oh, yes, Helix Fossil... Start. A. Left. Right. Down. A. B. A.
NARRATOR will just speed this up...
OAK: RED! Now is not the time to use that!
Helix has spoken! We must not use the Red text!
RELEASE THE RED TEXT, PC DEMANDS BLOOD!
Um, guys... I don't think the red text can be...
SHUT UP! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
You're our bitch, now!
left
right
up
b
start
b
left
right
up
...
Wild PC appeared!
A... PC? Oh god... Oh no!
Run from the PC!
Blood sunday 2.0?
RUN AWAY! SPAM DOWN!
up+a
a
WHY ARE YOU INPUTTING UP?
RED booted up the PC!
a
SPAM B!
b
b
a
a
b
RED turned off the PC!
RED booted up the PC! 
b
b
a
a

RED booted up the PC!
a
b
b
RED turned off the PC!
Wild PC is angry!
Oh no! You guys angered the PC!
THE PC DEMANDS BLOOD.
Guys... I don't think the PC wants to hurt us...
SHUT UP RED, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
GET OUT OF HERE!
Wild PC wants to fight!
WANTS TO FIGHT?
But... it has all our Pokemon except for our Pidgeot...
PC sent out BATTERY JESUS!
Our ZAPDOS? Noooo!
You thief, we'll get it back!
Get'm, BIRD JESUS!
left
down
a
a
RED used the ULTRA BALL!
PC blocked the ball! Don't be a thief!
But that is OUR Zapdos!
Enemy BATTERY JESUS used THUNDER!
It's super effective!
BIRD JESUS fainted!
Noooooooo!
Guys, we just lost to our own Zapdos...
RED blacked out!
Free healing, at least!
GIANT DOOMBOT appeared!
Huh? What is that?
CONSULT THE HELIX FOSSIL.
Um... guys, I think we should get out of here...
FOR ONCE WE AGREE, RED! RUN! DOWN!
down
down
GIANT DOOMBOT used DDOS!
RED's connection to TWITCH was interrupted!
Huh...? The voices... they're....
they're... gone!
You saved me! Finally, no voices! You are my savior! Hail Doom Jesus!
GIANT DOOMBOT had no intention of SAVING anyone!
GIANT DOOMBOT used DEATH BEAM!
RED died!
...
Well I guess death is a type of freedom, too...
BATTLE used END!                

Battle #89, Trekkie Convention
Location: Jubilife City
Player: Jean-Luc Picard [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHIMCHAR)

Coming soon...

FLARE VERSION Player Database

Messiah Rikks [21-22-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHARMANDER, UNDEADGATES, X-BOX, LORD [dead], UFO [dead])

Satan Vikks [8-9] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: WAR TURTLE, SPEAROW, WATERGUN [dead])

Chris the Giant Doombot [17-4]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRENCHWHORE, BLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON, RALTS, DARKMAGICIAN [dead], IT, 999 UFOS, DARTH VICK)

Yami Yugi [1-2-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: GAIAKNIGHT, SUMMONEDSKULL, KURIBOH)

Jr. Trainer [0-2] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: SANDSHREW [dead])

Rikks' Mom [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: CUTIEPIE)

Brock's Dad [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GEOCITIES [dead])

Reece Benlier [4-5-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: THREETALES [dead], LUCARIO [dead])

Jar Jar Binks [3-5-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: GHOST)

Yami James [4-7-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: WEEZING)

Jessie of Team Rocket [2-6] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: KOBRA)

Meowth [0-3]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Da Zombie Man [3-5-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: LUGIA [dead])

Seto Kaiba [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: HITOTSU-ME-GIANT, JUDGEMAN [dead])

Random Pilot [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: JET)

Robotor the Robot [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: MAGNEMITE, ROBOT [dead])

Schoolboy Danny [1-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: RATATTA)

Gym Leader Molds [1-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: GLOOM, VILEPLUME)

Gymleader [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GRASS [dead])

Grassly, Little Girl [no record yet] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Police [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: GUN)

Professor Oak [1-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: PIKACHU)

Mr. Psychic [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: JYNX)

Old Woman [0-1] [dead]
(Poekmon Lineup: none)

Sabrina the Teenage Witch [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: FEMALEMR.MIME, KADABRA, ABRA)

Youngster Duggy [1-3] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: MAGIKARP)

Master Sorcerer [0-0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: MINOMAGE)

Death Star 2 Spaceship Rabid Monkey of Doom [1-2-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Pizza Man [3-1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHEESEPIZZA [dead], PEPPERONIPIZZA [dead], SAUSAGEPIZZA, MUSHROOMPIZZA [dead])

Vikkz a Lot [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Cris [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: HISDAD [dead])

Pizaman [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: TOWER)

Vikks' Heart [4-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: POLICEDOG, DOGHEART)

Darth Michael Vick [8-5]
(Pokemon Lineup: WEEDHILL [dead], ROTTWEILER)

Sal [4-9]
(Pokemon Lineup: WARLORD SLAKING, RAICHU [dead], DITTO [dead], ONIX [dead], TORCHIC [dead])

Mike "Mark" Crotch [no record yet] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Flare [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: DEMON [dead])

Grim Reaper [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: DEATH [dead], PERSIAN)

SmarterChild [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Champion Lance [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: DRAGONITE, GHOSTDRAGON, LANCE [dead])

Ronald McDonald [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRIES, SODA, BURGER)

Goku [0-2] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: KRILLIN, GOHAN, MEOWTH)

Lord Janus [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: OZZIE, SLASH, FLEA)

Referee [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Webmaster Killer Nacho [Too many wins to display here]
(Pokemon  Lineup: none)

Professor Birch [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: SHOTGUN)

Dozens of People [4-3]
(Pokemon Lineup: DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS)

Pokemon Trainer May [3-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: MUDKIP, SWELLOW, RHYDON)

Spanky the Clown [1-4]
(Pokemon Lineup: URANUS, 9,000 UFOS [dead])

General Generalicus [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Munchkin [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Supermon [3-4] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: RATTATA)

Ramsly [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: COOKLIE BEAR)

Thief [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Crono [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: KATANA)

Marle [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: CROSSBOW)

Lucca [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: GUN)

Maxie, Leader of Team Magma [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: ZIGZAGOON, CAMERUPT)

Archie, Leader of Team Aqua [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: ZIGZAGOON, SHARPEDO)

Professor Rowan the High Priest [3-1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup CULT MEMBER, DOZENS OF PEOPLE)

Newsboy [0-3] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: PIDGEY)

Emperor Ed [3-1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: LACKEY)

Caterpie [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Will [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: ZIGZAGOON)

Jean-Luc Picard [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHIMCHAR)

Worf, Son of Mogh [2-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: BAT'LETH, CARNIVINE)

William T. Riker [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: DOPEY)

Data [2-0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: SPOT)

Red [0-2] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: BIRD JESUS)

Bill's PC [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: BATTERY JESUS)

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