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Welcome to the blog of The Killer Nacho, known to most mortals as Timothy J. Sharpe, a Computer Science graduate of Messiah College and currently a Systems Analyst for Sunoco Logistics. Within this tome of pages, one will find my innermost thoughts about various things concerning things that I enjoy. These subjects include, but are not limited to, roleplaying, gaming, American Football (the NFL), things to do with computers, philosophy, movies that are awesome, TV shows that are awesome, my own writings and creative works, and dangerous Mexican snacks.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Pokebattles Flare Version, Battles 76 - 80: Emperors and Religions


 FLARE VERSION

Quite some time ago, I became enamored with a Pokemon parody known as Pokebattles (www.pokebattles.com) by Jason Ross. Much like others, I decided to write a few of my own, which turned into my own "Version", Flare Version. While a lot of it was amateurish due to my young age, I've decided to re-write it (and thereby improving the quality) and post it here on my blog for others to enjoy. You can get to the complete Flare Version archive here.

Battles 76 - 80 mark the first Flare Version battles in Sinnoh, featuring a cast of mostly new characters. Our story begins with Professor Rowan deciding to make a religion out of Rikks' crucifixion at the hands of Chris the Giant Doombot. Meanwhile, the Giant Doombot clashes with a local Emperor for control of the region. This series is concluded with Battle 80, which is a Black Version resurrection battle. That should have a meaningful impact, right? Another thing worth noting is that these are the final battles of the original Flare Version. From now on, Flare Version content will be completely new. Hope you continue to enjoy!

Narrator text
Player text
God text

Battle #76, Birth of Religion
Location: Professor Rowan's Lab
Player: Professor Rowan the Cult Leader [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

NARRATOR said STOP RIGHT THERE!
Hm?
NARRATOR exclaims there is ALREADY a CULT LEADER in FLARE VERSION!
NARRATOR adds that ANOTHER would be TOO MUCH!
I see nothing wrong with having multiple cults.
NARRATOR doesn't KNOW why ROWAN wants to be a CULT LEADER, ANYWAY!
Maybe being a simple Pokemon Professor is just too boring.
Maybe I just get the sense that I have a greater calling.
Maybe I have a legitimate view of life that will eventually spread to a religion.
NARRATOR wants to KNOW what ROWAN's BELIEFS ARE!
Um... er... well...
EXACTLY!
I'll figure it out as I go!
Oh look! That horde of people just appeared outside my lab! They could be my first followers!

Location: Twinleaf Town, outside Rowan's Lab

Hello there, visitors!
Do you believe that your life is meaningless?
Or are you suddenly wondering if your current belief system is correct?
DOZENS OF PEOPLE reluctantly NOD!
Excellent! Then you a ready to embrace a new way of life - a new cult!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE isn't so SURE!
Allow me to explain... true strength in the universe is found in one simple concept - Evolution. Most species of Pokemon in the world are linked to at least one Evolution - in many cases, more than one. What if we as humans can evolve as well? Evolution is the ultimate goal of existence!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants to KNOW why they should TRUST a CULT LEADER about EVOLUTION!
Hah! I am glad you asked!
You see, I have been a Pokemon Professor for years before deciding to start this Cult! In fact, I am the leading authority of Pokemon Evolution in the world!
NEWSBOY screams EXTRA, EXTRA!
NEWSBOY adds you should READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Hmm... that sounds important. Over here, boy!
NEWSBOY said that will be 100 YEN!
100 yen? For a Newspaper! Highway robbery!
NEWSBOY points out THAT is like NOTHING due to the YEN EXCHANGE RATE being REALLY BAD!
That doesn't matter. I'm not paying that much!
ROWAN used FLAMETHROWER!
ROWAN pulled out a FLAMETHROWER and BURNT NEWSBOY ALIVE!
Excellent... now let's see this Newspaper...
ROWAN used NEWSPAPER!
NEWSPAPER: Breaking news: Messiah died for our Sins!
Hmm... this could be the inspiration I was looking for!
NEWSPAPER: And so, our forgotten Messiah, Rikks, was nailed to the cross by the nasty UFO horde under the control of Professor Doom. The UFOs were actually Jews in disguise, although no eyewitnesses can actually prove this, we're assuming it anyway. Anyway, Rikks was a 10-year old boy from Kanto...
Wonderful! I finally have something to base a religion on!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants to RUN AWAY!
Wait, don't go, my friends! Join the Rikksoleon Cult!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants ONE GOOD REASON why they SHOULD!
Um... we have cookies?
DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants COOKIES!
Then you must join!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE agreed to your TERMS!
First you just need to leave Cult Moto...
YAMI JAMES appeared!
YAMI JAMES warns you to not STEAL its CULT MEMBERS!
But they have opted to seek the truth about our true savior, Rikks!
YAMI JAMES wants to KNOW if that was its old SEX SLAVE!
Err... I suppose it was, actually.
YAMI JAMES refuses to WORSHIP its SEX SLAVE!
How dare you mock our savior! My children, are you with me?
DOZENS OF PEOPLE still wants COOKIES!
Ugh... fine!
ROWAN gave COOKIES to DOZENS OF PEOPLE!
Well?
DOZENS OF PEOPLE left CULT MOTO!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE join RIKKSOLEON CULT!
Excellent! Now, James, you will feel the wrath of the Rikksoleon Cult!
YAMI JAMES wants to fight!
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants to fight!
YAMI JAMES sent out WEEZING!
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE sent out DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS!
Hm... I'll send out one of my Cult Members!
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants to KNOW if you mean ONE OF THEM!
Of course!
Go, CULT MEMBER!
Let's get this started!
Enemy WEEZING used TOXIC GAS!
Ally DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS was badly poisoned!
Uh oh!
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE is angry!
Who wouldn't be?
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE withdrew DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS!
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE sent out DOZENS OF PEOPLE!
Hm... okay... Cult member, use your Faith attack! 
Not enough PP for FAITH!
Damn! You need to get more faith, Cult member!
Um... try... your holy attack...?!
CULT MEMBER used HOLY!
CULT MEMBER blasted a HOLE in itself!
CULT MEMBER is now HOLEY!
Oh my! Did he lose HP from that?
CULT MEMBER is in critical condition!
I see! Return, Cult member!
Enough, CULT MEMBER!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE gasps!
Err... it's rather awkward for all of you to gasp in unison like that. Please never do it again.
DOZENS OF PEOPLE is HORRIFIED that you put ONE OF THEM in a POKeBALL!
Psh! If you don't show some competence and stop complaining, you will all find your way into Pokeballs! Now do something, minions!
YAMI JAMES thinks you are QUITE EVIL!
I try. Now, go me!
Get'm, ROWAN!
I'll use my newly-granted Rikksoleon Powers!
ROWAN used RIKKSOLEON POWERS!
Enemy WEEZING was hit by ALL of the POWER of RIKKS!
Take that, you heathen! That must've hurt a lot!
Actually, WEEZING didn't take much DAMAGE at ALL!
But you said... it did all the power of Rikks?!
ROWAN will GET IT SOMEDAY!
Oh, okay.
Ally DOZENS OF PEOPLE used STABBITY DEATH!
Enemy WEEZING was STABBED DOZENS of TIMES!
Enemy WEEZING fainted!
Now there is some competence my children! Excellent job!
YAMI JAMES: Damn! I must retreat for now! But I shall be back!
YAMI JAMES ran away!
We'll just see about that...
BATTLE used END! 

Battle #77, Pokemon Logic
Location: Twinleaf Town, outside Professor Rowan's lab
Player: Newsboy [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: PIDGEY, CATERPIE)

Ugh... why am I still... alive?
NARRATOR forgot to NARRATE NEWSBOY's DEATH!
I'm just... just... a burnt crisp of a person now... ugh... Professor Rowan... he did this to me... what was a professor doing with a Flamethrower in the... first place...?
NARRATOR doesn't KNOW!
NARRATOR suggests that you GET REVENGE!
I would but... I cannot fight in this... condition... ugh... I should be dead...
Can't you just... narrate my death... now that you're... here ...?
NEWS EDITOR appeared!
My... boss...!
Please... put me out... of my... misery...
NEWS EDITOR screams!
NEWS EDITOR told LACKEY to PICK YOU UP!
Why...? There is no hope... for me...
NEWSBOY fainted!

Location: Several hours later, in Sinnoh News HQ

Where am I?
And why is everything all red?
NEWS EDITOR: Rise, Lord Newsboy!
Where is Professor Rowan? Is he safe?
NEWS EDITOR: It would seem... well, it would seem in your carefree nature, he is just fine!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Wait... how did my voice get all dark and mysterious?
NEWS EDITOR: I have saved your life by making you a Cyborg!
NEWSBOY was renamed DARTH NEWSBOY!
...
Can't I get a cooler name than that?
DARTH HEADLINE?
Nah, that sounds lame.
DARTH NEWS?
Too simple.
DARTH SCOOP?
Yeah, that's perfect!
DARTH NEWSBOY was renamed DARTH SCOOP!
NEWS EDITOR: Now, my young apprentice, go out and defeat the one who did this to you!
Yes, my master!
NEWS EDITOR was renamed EMPEROR EDITOR!
Maybe you should think of a slightly better name, too?
EMPEROR EDITOR was renamed EMPEROR ED!
That will do.

Location: Jubilife City

Now... where did that Professor go...?!
ROWAN appeared!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE appeared!
Aha! Found you!
Fear me, for I am your mortal enemy, Darth Scoop!
ROWAN wants to KNOW if you want to join the RIKKSOLEON CULT!
What? Of course not! I'm here to kill you!
ROWAN thinks your MASK is CREEPY!
Well uh, I guess so.
ROWAN wants to KNOW who the HELL you ARE!
Oh...! I'm your worst nightmare, Rowan. You thought you got the best of me... but it is I who will have the final laugh!
ROWAN wants to fight!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE wants to fight!
Wants? Don't you mean "want"?
NARRATOR knows what it SAID and is STICKING by it!
Err... whatever.
ROWAN sent out CULT MEMBER!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE sent out DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS!
Did you... did you put that man in a Pokeball?!
That's sick!
ROWAN knows!
ROWAN doesn't have enough PP for CARE!
Grr... you monster! Go, Pidgey!
Go, PIDGEY!
ROWAN is LAUGHING!
... Hey!
ROWAN wants to KNOW if PIDGEY is the BEST YOU'VE GOT!
Don't underestimate my Pidgey!
Pidgey, use your Senseless Decapitation attack!
ROWAN is frightened!
Oh yeah, you should be!
PIDGEY used SENSELESS DECAPITATION!
PIDGEY senselessly DECAPITATED a nearby PEDESTRIAN! 
Enemy PEDESTRIAN died!
Err... wrong target! Since when was the Pedestrian my enemy?!
DARTH SCOOP has a POINT!
Ally PEDESTRIAN died!
Oh, whatever! 
Enemy DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS used DOZENS OF TACKLES!
Pidgey! Dodge those attacks by flying into the air!
POKeMON doesn't WORK like THAT!
Huh? But why not?!
Pidgey is a bird, it should be able to easily avoid Tackles simply by flying high enough!
DARTH SCOOP used LOGIC!
It doesn't affect Enemy POKeMON LOGIC!
Grr!
PIDGEY fainted!
Fine, I'll just switch to my Caterpie, then!
Get'm, CATERPIE!
What do you say to that?!
Enemy CULT MEMBER used SUICIDE!
Enemy CULT MEMBER fainted!
Only fainted?
Enemy CULT MEMBER failed to COMMIT SUICIDE!
Sucks to be him.
ROWAN sent out ROWAN!
Ha! Finally, time for some revenge... Capterpie, you handle the Dozens of Zigzagoons, I'll fight Rowan myself!
CATPERIE looks at you ANGRILY!
C'mon, Caterpie! It's called teamwork!
CATERPIE wants to KNOW how your SUGGESTION is even REMOTELY FAIR!
Well... those Zigzagoons are only Level 3 each. And the Dozens of People average to around Level 4... you're a Level 40 Caterpie, so you should have no trouble defeating them!
CATERPIE: I hate Pokemon Logic!
Err... did my Caterpie just... speak?
CATERPIE: Screw this.
CATERPIE ran away!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
You're all alone! Get'm, DARTH SCOOP!
That's okay! I'll use my Lightsaber to swing through this horde of Zigzagoon!
DARTH SCOOP used LIGHTSABER!
Enemy DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS were SLICED to BITS!
Enemy DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS fainted!
Once again... makes no sense... they ought to be dead.
DOZENS OF PEOPLE sent out DOZENS OF PEOPLE!
Either way, it is obvious you and your cult are no match for me, Rowan!
Enemy ROWAN used EVOLVE!
WHAT?
ROWAN: I've been researching Evolution for a long time! I have inherited the ability of Evolution from Rikks!
What? DARTH SCOOP is evolving!
You... used it on me?
DARTH SCOOP evolved into NEWSBOY!
Uh oh...
Ack! My voice is no longer dark and sexy! Err... yes, Rowan! It was I, the Newsboy you murdered in Twinleaf Town! I will get my revenge!
EMPEROR ED appeared!
Yes!! Master, please return me to my former state and help me to defeat these enemies!
EMPEROR ED is DISAPPOINTED with your FAILURE!
EMPEROR ED said it wanted you to DEAL with the RIKKSOLEON CULT which would clearly OPPOSE his RULE!
Your... rule...? But wait, we're not evil! 
Besides, there is already an evil villain in Flare Version... that Professor Doom guy... we don't really need another!
EMPEROR ED said you OUTLIVED your USEFULNESS!
Wha?
EMPEROR ED found a MORE WORTHY person to be its APPRENTICE!
OH? WHO?!
VICK appeared!
Huh? He's just a football player!
What? VICK is evolving!
VICK evolved into DARTH VICK!
... And now, he's an evil looking football player...
DARTH VICK used FORCE LIGHTNING!
Ack...! The pain!
DARTH VICK: This power would've been really useful back when I trained dogs back at Earth!
You... evil... bastard...!
DARTH VICK: Thanks!
Please... have mercy!
Rowan... please... help me...! Yes, I tried to kill you but... we must team up... against the greater evil...! Aaaaaaagghhh...!
NEWSBOY died!
Darn it!
BATTLE used END!

Battle #78, Contenders and Pretenders
Location: Jubilife City
Player: Dozens of People [4-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS)

Wow! We get to start in a battle for once? Cool!
NARRATOR begs DOZENS OF PEOPLE to STOP TALKING at the SAME TIME like THAT!
We're sorry!
NARRATOR screams in AGONY!
NARRATOR used CONVENIENT NARRATION!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE fainted!
Oh, darn!
NARRATOR again screams in AGONY!
NARRATOR ran away!

Player: Darth Michael Vick [7-4]
(Pokemon Lineup: WEEDHILL, ROTWEILER)

Hah! Now that your followers have conveniently fainted, you are outnumbered, Rowan!
ROWAN said it has ONE MORE TRICK up its SLEEVE!
Oh?
ROWAN used RETREAT!
ROWAN ran away!
Heh, we didn't need to kill him yet, anyway.
EMPEROR ED is confused!
EMPEROR ED hurt itself in its confusion!
Don't smack yourself like that, my good Emperor man.
You see, Rowan is powerless without his supporters. Which are now ours.
EMPEROR ED likes the WAY you THINK!
EMPEROR ED used DOZENS OF POKeBALLS!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE was caught!
Excellent. Without followers, Rowan's cause will surely fail. In fact, he'll come to us.
EMPEROR ED: You better be right about that, Vick!
Child, please! I'm a professional Quarterback!
EMPEROR ED: Why are you giving me a Quarter back? I never gave you a Quarter in the first place! I don't even pay you a Dime!
Nevermind.
Anyway, the real opposition will come from the other Super villain on the scene...
GIANT DOOMBOT appeared!
Yeah, him!
GIANT DOOMBOT: The pathetic citizens of this City will submit to me or be defeated!
GOKU appeared!
GOKU: Have no fear, Goku is here! I excel at fending off threats to Earth!
Perhaps we should sit back and let the Super Saiyan solve this problem for us...
GIANT DOOMBOT used DOOMCANNON!
GOKU died a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, AGONIZING DEATH!
Or not...! He's so strong!
GIANT DOOMBOT: You there! Evil looking Michael Vick!
Um, who? Me?
GIANT DOOMBOT: Yes you! Will you submit to Professor DOOM?!
EMPEROR ED: Of course not! The world is ours, not yours!
Actually I think we should...
EMPEROR ED: My apprentice isn't afraid of you! My apprentice could defeat you in his sleep!
Um, actually, my emperor...!
EMPEROR ED: Quiet, my apprentice! I am speaking for you.
...
EMPEROR ED: Anyway, I'm so sure of my Apprentice's defeat over you, he could defeat you by himself, without even my help!
What?
EMPEROR ED: Yes! Go on Vick, show him that the only way he's going to make Emperor Ed's empire fall is over your dead body! Now, I'm going to go back to the HQ and scheme! Don't be late for Dinner!
EMPEROR ED disappeared!
Why do I get the feeling that I joined the wrong side here...?
GIANT DOOMBOT is angry!
GIANT DOOMBOT wants to KILL YOU!
Um, uh... Emperor Ed was only joking! He actually really likes you and your plans of an empire, and so do I! There's no need for any bloodshed, is there?
GIANT DOOMBOT wants to fight!
...Crap.
GIANT DOOMBOT sent out GIANT DOOMBOT!
Well, here goes nothing...
I'll use my trusty Rotweiler!
Get'm, ROTWEILER!
Okay, Rotweiler! Win this match and I won't electrocute you to death afterwards!
ROTWEILER whimpers!
Well you better win... Crunch attack!
ROTWEILER used CRUNCH!
ROTWEILER broke every TOOTH in its MOUTH on GIANT DOOMBOT's EXTERIOR!
Oh no!
Enemy GIANT DOOMBOT used SLAM!
ROTWEILER fainted!
You're so... powerful!
GIANT DOOMBOT: And don't you forget it!
Damn it... Go, Weedhill!
Get'm, WEEDHILL!
Okay, Weedhill... What to do... Um... String shot?
WEEDHILL used STRING SHOT!
Enemy GIANT DOOMBOT was COVERED with STRING!
Good job! That's bound to slow it down!
GIANT DOOMBOT freed itself from STRING easily!
Or not.
GIANT DOOMBOT used CURB STOMP!
WEEDHILL was SPLATTERED accross the PAVEMENT!
WEEDHILL died!
Nooo! My first Pokey man...!
The enemy is going to kill you! Go for it, DARTH VICK!
I must use ... the Force!
DARTH VICK used THE FORCE!
GIANT DOOMBOT was FORCED to use its LEAST POWERFUL ATTACK!
Good! That shouldn't be that bad!
GIANT DOOMBOT used HYPER BEAM!
HYPER BEAM IS ITS LEAST POWERFUL ATTACK?!
OWWWWwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
DARTH VICK is in critical condition!     
Okay look... there must be something you want... Right?
You know, some way that you would like... spare my life for something... anything!
GIANT DOOMBOT used THINK!
GIANT DOOMBOT is THINKING about it!
Yeah, yeah! Go ahead... Take your time, my good robot man!
GIANT DOOMBOT said it wants your COMPLETE LOYALTY!
OH NO! NOT MY LOYALTY!
... Is that a vital organ?
GIANT DOOMBOT said OF COURSE NOT, STUPID!
Oh...! My loyalty, haha.
Well, you got it, my good robot man!
GIANT DOOMBOT said you can START by telling it the LOCATION of EMPEROR ED's HEADQUARTERS!
Yeah no problem, no problem! Here's a map to Sinnoh News HQ... that's where he's hiding!
GIANT DOOMBOT used THANK!
GIANT DOOMBOT is beginning to LIKE YOU!
Great! We're friends now, right?
GIANT DOOMBOT said he THINKS of YOU more like a PET!
Can never have too many of those... 
Want to hear a story what I used to do with my pets?
GIANT DOOMBOT used ULTRA BALL!
Ultra Ball? What's that? Do you want me to er... catch it?
GIANT DOOMBOT said SURE!
DARTH VICK was caught!
Hey... wait a minute! Why are things so dark all of a sudden?!
DARTH VICK was just CAUGHT by GIANT DOOMBOT!
DARTH VICK is a POKeMON now!
Oh no, save me, my dear narration man!
NARRATOR said NO WAY!
Even NARRATOR is afraid of GIANT DOOMBOT!
Wow... that's pretty bad.
BATTLE used END! 

Battle #79, Poor Will...
Location: Sinnoh News HQ
Player: Emperor Ed [2-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: LACKEY, DOZENS OF PEOPLE)

Oh my, oh yes! Oh, how excellent!
So far, my evil scheme is going brilliantly!
SCHEME is far from BRILLIANT!
Then how come I am undefeated?
EMPEROR ED seems to LEAVE at CONVENIENT TIMES!
Or maybe my leaving is by design?
NARRATOR thinks it was MORE like DUMB LUCK!
We shall see!
WE SHALL!
DOOR used KNOCK!
DOOR is KNOCKING!
Hmm... who could that be? Darth Vick has returned already?!
Yes yes, come in!
ROWAN emerged from DOOR!
Wait... you aren't Darth Vick!
... Nor Professor Doom, for that matter... Oh yes! You're that Cult leader we defeated earlier!
ROWAN said he is HERE to RESCUE its CULT MEMBERS!
How cute. Except, they are mine now...!
I suppose Darth Vick was right that you would come to us... although I would've preferred to have him with me when this occurred, in hindsight.
ROWAN wants to fight!
You will be defeated like last time!
ROWAN sent out CULT MEMBER!
Ah yes... the one follower who isn't under my control.
I think my Lackey can handle this!
Go, LACKEY!
Lackey! Do whatever it is that you do!
LACKEY used LACK!
LACKEY currently LACKS anything to DO!
Err... I will be more specific with my orders in the future.
Enemy CULT MEMBER used PRAY!
It's not very effective...
Excellent, Lackey! Here is our chance! Don't cut him any slack!
LACKEY used SLACK OFF!
LACKEY fell asleep!
Curses, Lackey! This is life or death, here!
Enemy CULT MEMBER used SACRIFICE!
LACKEY was SACRIFICED!
LACKEY fainted!
Well that's what you get for falling asleep right in the middle of battle!
Fine, fine, Rowan. I see that you are a fine Pokemon trainer. But you are no match against your former followers!
Get'm, DOZENS OF PEOPLE!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE doesn't LIKE being inside POKeBALLs!
Well it is too bad that it has already been established that you guys are only Level 4. It means you can't possibly disobey orders.
DOZENS OF PEOPLE used DOZENS OF CURSES!
Oh my... you all are a bunch of potty mouths!
It would not be fun to edit!
Enemy CULT MEMBER used SLAP!
Hmm... well, it didn't seem extremely effective!
Fire at will!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE used FIRE AT WILL!
WILL was set on FIRE!
WAIT, what?! Why did you just attack one of your own like that??
DOZENS OF PEOPLE said that while they CANNOT DISOBEY an ORDER, they can INTERPRET an ORDER however they WANT!
Well yes... but attacking one of your own like that!
It's messed up!
WILL shed a tear!
WILL said this is the FIRST TIME anyone cared about it!
Well when you've been in a horde of people for so long... I suppose its a bit hard to get to know you individually.
Enemy CULT MEMBER used FREE!
Enemy CULT MEMBER has FREE WILL!
And now that you aren't completely blinded by your Cult leader commander, what will you do?!
Enemy CULT MEMBER used its FREE WILL to FREE WILL!
Um, what?
WILL has been FREED!
What?! So what will you do with your free will, Will?
... Wow the puns in this battle are really, really bad.
WILL isn't SURE!
WILL isn't CONVINCED that either ROWAN nor EMPEROR ED have its BEST INTERESTS at HEART!
Hey! Who stood up for you when you were set on fire?
WILL is TORN!
Will, Will, Will! I like you. In fact, I'm thinking about making you my new apprentice!
WILL thought DARTH VICK was your APPRENTICE!
You and I both know that he's never coming back.
WILL said that becoming EMPEROR ED's APPRENTICE probably isn't a GOOD IDEA!
Oh, so you'll be a traitor then, will you? Fine! You'll die like the rest!
Fire at Will!
DOZENS OF PEOPLE used FIRE AT WILL!
WILL was SHOT by DOZENS of BULLETS! 
WILL died!
Now... back to the battle at hand...
ROWAN thinks you're a MONSTER!
Oh please! You're not much better... Newsboy murderer!
ROWAN said you have a POINT!
ROWAN thinks EMPEROR ED and it are VERY MUCH ALIKE!
Hmm... that may be true.
ROWAN suggests they JOIN FORCES!
ROWAN adds that your EMPIRE would need an OFFICIAL RELIGION to CONTROL the PEOPLE!
I like the way you think!
Return, Dozens of People!
Return, DOZENS OF PEOPLE!
ROWAN withdrew CULT MEMBER!
Let this be known as the great alliance that will lead to a great empire!
ROWAN agreed!
Hmm... I won't insult you by making you my next apprentice. How does high priest sound?
ROWAN thinks it has a NICE RING to it!
Excellent! From this day forth, you are Professor Rowan, High Priest of the Empire!
Oh, and I suppose you can have your Followers back. You'll need them.
DOZENS OF PEOPLE was given to ROWAN!
ROWAN wants to KNOW what FOR!
Well...
GIANT DOOMBOT bursts through WALL!
That.
ROWAN screams like a LITTLE GIRL!
BATTLE used END!     

Battle #80, Pointless Resurrection
Location: Black Version
Player: Messiah Rikks [21-21-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHARMANDER, UNDEADGATES, X-BOX, LORD [dead], UFO [dead])

Oh, what did I do to ever deserve this! Why am I being damned for all eternity! The fates seem to have rebelled against me... For once, I had it all! I was the main character! Now... here I am... dead. In black version. Oh woe is me...
NARRATOR said to SHUT UP!
Ouch! I was just confessing my pain and suffering for dramatic effect!
Wait, what are you doing here, Narrator?!
MESSIAH RIKKS looks at the BATTLE NUMBER!
Battle #80! This means...!
PORTAL to FLARE VERSION appeared!
I must run to it before anyone else sees it!
MARK: I don't think so, Rikks!
INVISIBLE BARRIER blocks you from getting NEAR the PORTAL!
Mark! What gives!
MARK: Only one thing can decide who deserves to go back to the land of the living! The one... the only... GAMESHOW OF THE DEAD!
...
MARK: Let's take a moment to take a look at our contestants this evening! First up, we have that loser guy, Rikks!
...Hey!
MARK: So Rikks, how did you die?
Um err... I was kind of easily destroyed by a Giant Doombot.
MARK: Is it also true that you were the one that made it so indestructible?
Well technically...
MARK: Wow! That is some massive fail right there! I don't think you stand a chance at this Gameshow!
Mark... do you like... hold a grudge against me or something?
MARK: Oh what do you think! Is killing someone over and over again really something that someone would hold a grudge for?
... I guess.
It seemed like a really good idea at the time.
MARK: The second contestant is Rikks' long-time rival, Vikks, who died from a lack of a Heart! It's really quite amazing since he survived without it for so long.
Grr, Vikks!!
MARK: Welcome to the show, Vikks!
SATAN VIKKS: Thanks, Mark! It's great to be here!
Suck up...
MARK: Our third contestant is one of the most recent dead characters, who became quite popular after his premiere appearance, Newsboy!
Who?
NEWSBOY: Me!
Once again... who?! Have I really been dead for so long?!
MARK: And the final contestant is none other than Duggy!
That kid who was training to defeat Sabrina?
DUGGY: The very same!
Kay...
MARK: So let's get started! Narrator, please set the score of all players to 0!
MESSIAH RIKKS: 0
SATAN VIKKS: 0
NEWSBOY: 0
DUGGY: 0
Let's do this!
MARK: First question... when Newsboy was recruited as Emperor Ed's apprentice, what was the new name he was given?
WHAT! That's hardly fair! That must've happened after I died!
MARK: Stop complaining or I'll subtract points! Your answer, please!
Ugh... fine...!
Um... how about... Darth Shoes?
MARK: Darth... Shoes...? Is that seriously the best guess you could come up with?
...
MARK: Anyway, let's look at all of the contestant's answers!
SATAN VIKKS answered DARTH NEWSBOY!
NEWSBOY answered DARTH SCOOP!
DUGGY answered DARTH HEADLINE!
NEWSBOY had the CORRECT ANSWER!
Oh, yeah. Real surprise there...
MESSIAH RIKKS: 0
SATAN VIKKS: 0
NEWSBOY: 2000
DUGGY: 0
Two... thousand?!
MARK: This next question is worth a whole... SINGLE POINT! Wow, that's a whole lot!
I hate you.
MARK: The question is... what is Rikks' favorite food?
At least this is one I know...
SATAN VIKKS answered LOLLYPOPS!
Hey...!
MARK: You should've been faster!
SATAN VIKKS had the CORRECT ANSWER!
What? Damn it!
SATAN VIKKS: We did grow up together, after all!
MARK: And in the spirit of knowing about other people, I'll make that worth 3000 points instead of 1!
Of course...
MESSIAH RIKKS: 0
SATAN RIKKS: 3000
NEWSBOY: 2000
DUGGY: 0
Sigh...
MARK: Next question... What was Vikks' starting Pok--
OH YEAH I KNOW THIS ONE! SQUIRTLE!
MESSIAH RIKKS had the CORRECT ANSWER!
MARK: Well! You blurted out the answer before I was finished giving the Question, which is a very rude thing to do! So instead of the 2000 points it was worth, I'll give you 1.
... This game is rigged against me.
MARK: Perhaps if you didn't kill me OVER AND OVER again, you wouldn't have this problem, Rikks!
Vengeance is bitter.
MARK: Incorrect! Vengeance is, indeed, sweet. That wrong answer costs you 100 points!
What!! Lame!!
MESSIAH RIKKS: -99
SATAN VIKKS: 3000
NEWSBOY: 2000
DUGGY: 0
MARK: And the final question... worth a nice 3098...
Which he purposefully picked to make sure I had no shot at winning...
MARK: Ahem! The question is... what article of clothing is comfy and easy to wear?
Um, what? Uhh... Well I like pink bikinis...
MARK: ... You do this to yourself you know, Rikks.
Eh, its not like if I gave the correct answer it would help me much anyway...
SATAN RIKKS answered ROBES!
NEWSBOY answered EVIL CYBORG COSTUME!
DUGGY answered SHORTS!
DUGGY had the CORRECT ANSWER!
...
DUGGY: What? I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to wear!
MESSIAH RIKKS: -99
SATAN VIKKS: 3000
NEWSBOY: 2000
DUGGY: 3098 
Great. Instead of sending one of the main characters back to the land of the living, we send a... Youngster.
To be FAIR, it is NOT LIKE the LAST CHARACTER to be REVIVED did much after being REVIVED!
MOLDS just died AGAIN a FEW BATTLES LATER!
Well yes but...
NARRATOR expects the SAME THING from DUGGY!
DUGGY: Hey...!
Just enjoy the second chance at life, kid. Even if it should last about 1 hour, tops.
DUGGY: Yes! Okay! I will not squander it! 
DUGGY went through PORTAL!
PORTAL closed!
Oh well... 40 battles isn't so long...

Location: 30 minutes later

DUGGY appeared!
DUGGY: Aww, that's bullshit! Freaking Doombot!
Called it. What a pointless battle.
BATTLE used END!

FLARE VERSION Player Database

Messiah Rikks [21-22-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHARMANDER, UNDEADGATES, X-BOX, LORD [dead], UFO [dead])

Satan Vikks [8-9] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: WAR TURTLE, SPEAROW, WATERGUN [dead])

Chris the Giant Doombot [12-4]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRENCHWHORE, BLUEEYESWHITEDRAGON, RALTS, DARKMAGICIAN [dead], IT, 999 UFOS, DARTH VICK)

Yugi Moto [1-2-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: GAIAKNIGHT, SUMMONEDSKULL, KURIBOH)

Jr. Trainer [0-2] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: SANDSHREW [dead])

Rikks' Mom [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: CUTIEPIE)

Brock's Dad [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GEOCITIES [dead])

Reece Benlier [4-4-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: THREETALES, LUCARIO [dead])

Jar Jar Binks [3-4-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GHOST)

Yami James [4-6]
(Pokemon Lineup: WEEZING)

Jessie of Team Rocket [2-6] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: KOBRA)

Meowth [0-3]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Da Zombie Man [3-5-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: LUGIA [dead])

Seto Kaiba [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: HITOTSU-ME-GIANT, JUDGEMAN [dead])

Random Pilot [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: JET)

Robotor the Robot [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: MAGNEMITE, ROBOT [dead])

Schoolboy Danny [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: RATATTA)

Gym Leader Molds [1-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: GLOOM, VILEPLUME)

Gymleader [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: GRASS [dead])

Grassly, Little Girl [no record yet] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Police [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: GUN)

Professor Oak [1-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: PIKACHU)

Mr. Psychic [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: JYNX)

Old Woman [0-1] [dead]
(Poekmon Lineup: none)

Sabrina the Teenage Witch [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: FEMALEMR.MIME, KADABRA, ABRA)

Youngster Duggy [1-3] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: MAGIKARP)

Master Sorcerer [0-0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: MINOMAGE)

Death Star 2 Spaceship Rabid Monkey of Doom [1-2-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Pizza Man [3-1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: CHEESEPIZZA [dead], PEPPERONIPIZZA [dead], SAUSAGEPIZZA, MUSHROOMPIZZA [dead])

Vikkz a Lot [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Cris [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: HISDAD [dead])

Pizaman [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: TOWER)

Vikks' Heart [4-2]
(Pokemon Lineup: POLICEDOG, DOGHEART)

Darth Michael Vick [8-5]
(Pokemon Lineup: WEEDHILL [dead], ROTTWEILER)

Sal [4-8]
(Pokemon Lineup: EMPEROR SLAKING, RAICHU [dead], DITTO [dead], ONIX [dead], TORCHIC [dead])

Mike "Mark" Crotch [no record yet] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Flare [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: DEMON [dead])

Grim Reaper [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: DEATH [dead], PERSIAN)

SmarterChild [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Champion Lance [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: DRAGONITE, GHOSTDRAGON, LANCE [dead])

Ronald McDonald [1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: FRIES, SODA, BURGER)

Goku [0-2] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: KRILLIN, GOHAN, MEOWTH)

Lord Janus [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: OZZIE, SLASH, FLEA)

Referee [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Webmaster Killer Nacho [Too many wins to display here]
(Pokemon  Lineup: none)

Professor Birch [1-0]
(Pokemon Lineup: SHOTGUN)

Dozens of People [4-3]
(Pokemon Lineup: DOZENS OF ZIGZAGOONS)

Pokemon Trainer May [3-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: MUDKIP, SWELLOW, RHYDON)

Spanky the Clown [1-4]
(Pokemon Lineup: URANUS, 9,000 UFOS [dead])

General Generalicus [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Munchkin [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Supermon [3-3]
(Pokemon Lineup: RATTATA)

Ramsly [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: COOKLIE BEAR)

Thief [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Crono [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: KATANA)

Marle [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: CROSSBOW)

Lucca [no record yet]
(Pokemon Lineup: GUN)

Maxie, Leader of Team Magma [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: ZIGZAGOON, CAMERUPT)

Archie, Leader of Team Aqua [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: ZIGZAGOON, SHARPEDO)

Professor Rowan the High Priest [3-1-1]
(Pokemon Lineup CULT MEMBER, DOZENS OF PEOPLE)

Newsboy [0-3] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: PIDGEY)

Emperor Ed [3-0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: LACKEY)

Caterpie [0-1]
(Pokemon Lineup: none)

Will [0-1] [dead]
(Pokemon Lineup: ZIGZAGOON)

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